The Strangest Fears

I have some strange fears and this post is dedicated to three of them. They may not be rational, but I'm still afraid of them anyway, because I know I have terrible luck. Also, I'm hugely pessimistic. We try to be careful, but being careful only lessens the probability; it doesn't eradicate that probability completely. Scary, no?

Falling backwards on an escalator.

There's this escalator at the Bras Basah MRT station which is frighteningly long. It's like...that song, stairway to heaven. What will happen if I fall backwards while I'm on the escalator? It won't be so bad at a regular escalator, but on the Bras Basah one, the escalator goes several levels. If I fall backwards, I'll be falling for a really long time. And I'll knock the people behind me over as well, and we're all go down together, like dominoes being struck by a bowling ball.

Let me hold the escalator handles with two hands, from now on. Or maybe stand further into the step of the escalator, with my shoes firmly dug into the next step.

Throwing away my handphone or wallet.

My handphone and wallet are very important parts of me. My handphone connects me to the world and my wallets lets me do shit. I use my handphone to connect, to play games, to tweet, to read the news...to everything. And my wallet contains my access pass to move around school, my money, and my other cards. Important things, yes, but the problem is that they can't fit very well into the pockets of my pants - at least, not without leaving a huge bulge and making walking just uncomfortable. 

So I hold them in my hands. When I throw things into the rubbish bin, I fear that I will inadvertently dispose of these very important things as well. And then I'll have to rummage through shit to get them back. Gulp.

Fainting in the dark.

I've started running at night again. I've been running regularly for years now actually, but when I got my eyebrow piercing (let's save that for another time), I had to stop because the vigorous movement wasn't healthy for the piercing. When my piercing finally came off (again, another story for another day), I picked up running again. 

My runs are usually in the evening, at about 11. It's cooler and I like to think of it as a good way to round off the day. The roads are deserted too, which is a major plus point for me. I like the peace, the silence, and being watched by the far-away moon. Usually, my footsteps and my breathing are the only sounds I hear. In my head though, there are a million and one thoughts. Sometimes, my thoughts overtake me, and I have to stop and just...walk. Walking is good too.

The other evening, I was feeling really really faint while I was running. Perhaps I had pushed myself too hard, too fast. Or maybe I hadn't drank enough water. There was a dull ache in my chest, and my breathing felt ragged. At that point, I was at a rarely-used lane behind a housing estate at Tanah Merah. The lane is a short-cut from the main road into the estate, and as such, cars rarely pass by it. The lane has two major slopes of significant gradient - I like to sprint up this slopes, and then jog down leisurely.

I suddenly realized how alone I was. To my right was a forest, to my left was the back of some houses. It was close to midnight. If I had collapsed right there and then, there's a possibility that I won't be found for hours. I realize that at most parts of my routes, the path is equally deserted and rarely-used. If I do faint, nobody would find me, at least not for awhile. Nobody would know where to find me too. A part of me is frightened by this realization while another part think that the other part is being irrational because in my history of running, never have I fainted before. 

The former part recalls stories of runners fainting without warning; runners who run shorter distances or are far fitter than I am. 

I hope nothing bad ever happens to me. My fingers and my toes (but not my eyes) are crossed.

Sometimes we stray, or Raymond visits Geylang.

Yesterday evening, I decided to go to Geylang. It was something that I've been meaning to do for a while now, but I was always putting it off. With most of my excuses used up, and a camera in hand, I decided that yesterday night would be the night. At about 9 in the evening, I set off to the great mystery that is Geylang. I've heard many things about the place, but it wasn't enough to prepare me for what I saw - what I saw was worse, and frightening, but it's a part of life, just as how we have to take a dump in the morning, every morning.

I took the train down to Aljunied and proceeded on foot from there. It felt different, the moment I stepped out of the station. The place was bustling and the lights were blinding. Chatter in unfamiliar languages reached my ears. I suddenly became very conscious of the camera which I'd hung around my neck. I wandered around, and was struck by the number of eateries in the immediate vicinity of the station. There were lots, and they all seemed busy. It didn't look seedy - at least, not yet.

I soldiered on into the heart of Geylang, jaywalking across roads and jostling through crowds. The crowd consisted mostly of males above the age of 30s, I'm guessing. There were lots of uncles and foreigners in the area. It's crowded, like town, but the demographic is completely different. It was incredibly disorienting, but a part of me liked getting lost in the crowd. Walking along the main road, I noticed a lot of eateries, random lighting shops and stores catering to foreign workers, because they're quarters are in the area. There were a smattering of...ladies (for lack of a better word), but not as many as I though there would be.

All this while, I was taking photos, but not very openly. I'm not much of a street-photographer (yet), and I don't really know the etiquette.

Busy, even though it's a Thursday.

Then, I turned into one of the even-numbered lorongs.

Pop-up shop, Geylang-style.

Wait, before that, let me talk a little bit about how Geylang is organized. There are three main roads which cut through Geylang; Sims Avenue, Geylang Road and Guilemard Road (see image below). These roads are where most cars and buses pass when going towards town or Bedok. In between these three roads are two stretches of blocks, and they're separated by 'lorongs', which is a Malay word for...something which escapes me at the moment. At the first stretch of blocks are the odd-numbered lorongs and on the other are the even-numbered ones.



Geylang is an odd piece of land, but it's quite nicely-segmented. The eating places are mostly at the odd-numbered lorongs, the condos are at the higher-numbered condos. The dirty places are the even-numbered lorongs in the teens and twenties.

These lorongs are less crowded. It's a very dark and scary place. I walked through alone and with a camera around my neck, feeling very much like a sore thumb. Men slinked through the lorongs in small group. Women stood at intervals, speaking whispers into the ears of anyone who passed by. They were made-up and dressed-up. Some of them looked quite seductive. I tried to avoid them.

There were shophouses on either side of the lorong. The shophouses were brightly lit, like one of those houses you see in movies during Christmas. They said things like "WELCOME", or "MASSAGE", or "COME IN" in gaudy colours, flashing, throbbing. Outside the houses were usually a man, just seated there. Sometimes, he is accompanied by women. I think these men are possibly the pimps. What really struck me about the houses is how they had no names - all they had was the unit number. 12, 15, 38, 32...yet, each one of them were unique and distinct.

Mysterious shophouses.

It's not CNY yet, right?

I wasn't able to take better pictures of the shophouses because me standing there for an extended period of time with a camera would attract unwanted attention - but I hope that the pictures above gives you enough of an idea.

After walking through one lorong, I walked through another, and was greeted by the same sight - houses with no names, only numbers. The decorations could be quite elaborate though - and it was enough to give you a rough idea of what to expect inside. I suspect (and in fact, have heard) that each lorong specialized in something, and that you can get anything you want in Geylang as long as you know where to go. There was one lorong where I walked past (and was tried to be picked up by, gulp) a few trannies, so yeah.

You can't see what's going on inside. Not a damn thing.

Rainbow Club. Okay. Got it. Rainbows aren't straight.

The lorongs had the shophouses, which I guess are brothels, or fishtanks of sorts. Who knew what lay inside. As I walked past one, the guy outside asked me whether I wanted to come in. I politely said no, as if I was turning away someone giving me a flyer I didn't want. Each lorong also had at least three hotels; with at least two of them being Hotel 81s. So, yeah, the lorongs had shophouses and hotels...but the lorongs had girls who just stood around too, accosting passers-by. The lorongs in their teens had more of this, from what I observed.

Transaction in progress.

There was this particular lorong where the ladies were exceptionally large in their numbers. I swear, there were at least 30 standing along the lorong, and as I walked past, they said stuff to me, about having a good time, and what not, but I politely declined, with the emphasis on politely. They called me "abang" because I looked Malay, I guess. One such lady got particularly aggressive with me - she blocked my way, and tried to hug me, and grabbed at my bag when I wouldn't say 'yes' to her. She did it in a playful way of course, and again, I politely turned her down. There was also this guy who called out to me from the other side of the street and made suggestive hand-gesture. I made a polite hand-gesture to decline.

Again, just as with the shophouses, each lorong had a unique character - ladies of a particular nationality or race seemed to be concentrated at different lorongs. Perhaps they were territorial about it.

They're just standing there waiting.

Still, I was really aghast by their sheer numbers. There were so many! Some of them looked quite young too! And of course there were old ones, and like...questionable looking ones. I even saw one in what looked like those Japanese school uniform. I saw her from the back; when she turned around, I thought to myself how I would prefer that she had not.

I was also taken aback by how forward they were about what they were doing, and how open everything was at the heart of Geylang. I never suspected that it was going to be quite so...laid bare and...in a way, straightforward. I take a bus to school, and the bus would pass by the main roads of Geylang - never in a million years would I have suspected just quite how things actually are in there.

It was like being in a whole other country, in a whole other place, where nobody cared about who you were - as long as you had the money, you're going to get what you want. I walked, and I walked, and I saw a whole new side of Singapore. All in all, I covered about 6 such even-numbered lorongs, was approached by at least 10 ladies, and had a handful of photos in hand. I noticed that I was sweating even though the evening was a cool one, probably because of how I walked faster than usual just to get out.

Looking back, I'm not sure what I was hoping to achieve with this endeavor  I guess I just wanted to know what it's like over there. I was curious. It's interesting to see a side of life which is so far detached from your own. This may be old news to some people, but it sure isn't for me. I was well and truly...exposed, unprepared for what I saw. And while I don't approve of paying for sex, the fact that it happens exists, and it persists, and even as I'm typing now, those anonymous shophouses will still be there, and those anonymous men and women would still be there, and the world will continue to spin and spin and spin.

More pictures:

Walls.

A rare quiet alley.

Geylang - Singapore as you've never seen it.

Alright, that's it for me. Seeyou tomorrow, same time, same place.

Once upon a chill afternoon.

I finally had some spare time today; the past few days were spent rushing out a report and presentation - the Thailand one which I mentioned a few days past. Yesterday, we submitted our report and made our pitch to our client. The feeling of trying to rush out something was horribly familiar. It felt nice to have finished that part of the project. There's one more major component to go, but that can wait.

Today, I met up with two JC classmates. I also brought out my brother's DSLR, which I've been meaning to learn how to use. I've got the gist of aperture and shutter speed, but that's about it. I've got ways to go. Meanwhile, I guess check out some of the shots I've taken.

Closet.

Tea time at Brills, this Vietnamese cafe at Somerset! Nice place.

Don't forget to check your phone.

Cute couple waiting to cross. Not the one at the right, obviously.

Bye Moses.

Turn around, Becca.

I SAID TURN AROUND.

Alright!

Irish Bar.

Stumbled upon this bar as I was walking back to school. Looks nice.

Interesting moo-vement.

So yeah, today was nice. I've been playing this game on my phone called Tower of Savior - it's like Bejewelled and Candy Crush but with a role-playing element. Essentially, when you match three shapes, your monsters attack. I'm also trying to finish The Wise Man's Fear. My internship will be starting on Monday; feels like time is slipping through my fingers. Also, earlier tonight, I went to walk around Geylang. It's something that I've been meaning to do for a long time...and it was indeed an experience. I'll talk about that tomorrow.

For now, have a nice evening. :)

Book Review - In One Person

I recently finished John Irving's In One Person. It was a really great book. It focuses on the themes of sexual identity, and being true to one's self, and I guess the struggles of a person who is different. We see Billy, the book's protagonist, grow up and we see his sexual identity being changed (or was he born that way?) along the way. We meet the different characters in his life, each with their own quirks and we also get a front-row seat to the developments of the LBGT movement in the United States from the 60s to the present day.

It's a really interesting theme to me; I haven't read much literature which deals with the issues the book lavishes in. It confronts the issue of sexual identity really squarely and we see the different facets of the..."issue" for the lack of a better word. As with all other John Irving books, it's brilliantly written; it has it's comedic moments and heart-wrenching moments. It's very readable and the characters are immensely lovable. On top of Billy (heh), there are other characters he meets, with their own quirks and stories. They leave a mark on Billy's life and on the reader's heart too, I guess.

If I had one complain about the book, it'd be that it was a little on the short-side, and as a result, the ending leaves you wanting. You breeze through it really quickly, and when the ending comes, you're sort of left hanging (like a testicle, sorry couldn't resist). It's a fitting ending, but it's not one which leaves you thoroughly satisfied. Maybe that's the author's intention - maybe it's a metaphor on how relationships don't satisfy you completely...or maybe I'm thinking too much.

Anyway, it's certainly a great book, but if you're against gays, then perhaps you should pick another book. It doesn't make you reconsider your position; it gives you an insight. The book also goes into explicit details quite a few times in the book, so take note. Personally speaking, I never had to consider my sexuality. That was a really weird sentence to write, but yeah, I like girls, and only girls. To me, this book was eye-opening, and it gave me a look at what gays go through.

I'm going to give this 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Above is a picture of the book. Yes, you're going to get a lot of weird stares on the train because people will be thinking that it's something like 50 Shades of Gray. IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT. This is definitely one of those "don't judge a book by it's cover" cases. The picture has something to do with the story. Also, I thought that the title was a pun...but it's actually a reference to a play, so yeah, damn my dirty mind.

After School.

I have memories which I don't want to lose. I'm going to write them down, so that one day, I can look back, read them and remember the person that I once was, and smile fondly...or not. Those memories affected me one way or another. One day, they're going to be smothered by newer memories, like old snow. So here I am. Here goes something.

After School

There was this girl in my junior college who I sort of had a crush on. We were close, as friends, but nothing more. I had some sort of feelings for her - feelings I never acted on. I saw her quite regularly and I never wanted to upset the status quo because what we had was good enough for me. I was nice to her, and I guess I did what might pass off as "flirting". Her smile was sweet and I looked forward to seeing her and chatting with her about anything at all. 

She never liked me, now that I think about it. But one day she asked me to meet her after school. She didn't tell me why she wanted to meet, nor did I ask her for a reason. My mind went on overdrive thinking - why'd she want to meet me? Did she want to confess to me, or something of the sort? What if she did confess to me? What would I say? I'm not ready, but of course I wouldn't have said that. I probably would have gone with it. Oh man, what if kissing was involved...

I used to have such a wild imagination. I still do, but I used to too. So I went to the place where the rest of my life was to begin, or at least, I optimistically thought so. She was already there. It was late, so most of everybody had left the school. I think she wore specs back then...I like girls who wear specs. Anyway, she was there, waiting. I casually said hi, and then asked what's up.

She smiled. And she took out a copy of the Bible. I was taken aback, but I held my composure quite well, and I flushed out all my romantic ideas, and adapted to the situation accordingly.She simply wanted to share her beliefs with me. I was disappointed, but not entirely displeased by the situation. I was really touched by what she had done. It was one of the nicest things anyone had done for me. I calmly listened to what she had to say. I had already made up my mind on religion and I told her so. As the sun set, in the empty room, we had a nice conversation about life. 

We continued to be close friends after that conversation; it affected nothing, and I was glad. My feelings for her would suddenly flare up randomly...some time later when she was all I could think about, but that's another story. Girls have a strange affect on me; I guess they do on all guys.

I really like girls. It'd me nice if they like me back.

Let us salute General Elections.

So the biggest thing that happened last night in Singapore was something that was happening to our neighbouring country. The Malaysian General Elections was going on; I wish I had followed the elections more closely so that I could have a better understanding of the issues, but I didn't. My loss. What's worse is that I don't know what sources are trust-worthy - the local news have covered it, but their coverage seems unsatisfactory, especially when I look at the backlash on Facebook with regards to the results.

There's a lot of unhappiness surrounding the results. There are rumours flying around about tampering of the votes. A blackout happened, foreign workers were dragged in, and there's that thing about the Chinese tsunami as well. On Facebook, some of my Malaysian friends have made clear their stand on the issue, and some have also turned their display picture into black empty spaces - to symbolize the blackout that happened, I guess.

I can't comment much on the elections, but I can comment on democracy in general and the role of the government in our society. The thing about democracy is that it assumes that the people know what's best for them. It also assumes that the campaigning process is a good representation of the candidates. This assumptions fail in reality.

The former is clearly not true - how smart is the average person? Think about it. Okay, I'm being a bit condescending, but in all seriousness, not many people are able to consider the implications of policies being put forward. Moreover, even though debates over issues are conducted, they rarely boil down on cold hard facts, but are won by emotional rhetoric, a biased representation of one stand and a gross exaggeration of the other.

As for the latter point, I guess what we can say is that it's difficult to get to know a candidate in a genuine way through campaigning. How do we know that he's not simply putting up a false front? And let's assume that it isn't a false front; that he is nice, and he means well. How does that make him a politician who will put forward good policies which are beneficial to the country?

The rawest iteration of the government is a body which facilitates the lives of people - they enact policies which made for a good economy, a solid defense, and a good education system. It should also ensure that no one is left behind, looking after everyone and making sure that progress is shared by all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the process of election will not necessarily put the people who will do this job best into office, and because of this, the country suffers.

We get politicians who make decisions based on unfounded promises they made during their elections. We get politicians who make decisions that seem like common sense, but are in actual fact counter-productive.

What I wish to see are politicians who are intelligent, smart, and will do what's best for the country. If the scientists took over politics, I'm pretty sure we'll see a nicer picture. Instead of elections, it'd be nice to see an alternative system where people are selected for jobs based on fit and capability. Maybe they can be selected by their peers, or some sort of panel of experts from different industries.

To attract the right talents, they also need to be paid comfortably, and here's where I think the Singapore government is doing a good job (albeit their current scale is a bit high). To attract the right talents, you need to pay top dollar or else they'll go where they can earn more. It's not about being greedy, but I guess about being comfortable? We need to pay our politicians competitively. Moreover, it does alleviate the extent of corruption - if you give them the means to live comfortably in a legal way, they won't have to result to less than desirable means.

So yeah, in my ideal world, we'd have a system which allows the right people to ascend to the right positions and run the country in the best way possible. There's a lot of holes in that statement, and it's over-optimistic, but like I said, it's "ideal". Hopefully, somewhere along the line, someone can turn this system into reality.

For now, I hope that the people of Malaysia get some sort of explanation from the elections committee on the discrepancy surrounding yesterday's results. Elections work (to an extent) because it's the will of the people, and I guess you can't argue with what the majority want. But when you start messing with the process, then who's will are you enacting? You just don't mess with the people, man, you just don't.

Maybe my views are ill-informed, but oh well. Love one another. Peace.

Love the way you Thai.

Sunday afternoon. If you don't already know, I actually write my posts before 1145; what I do is I schedule things to be posted. Right now, it's Sunday afternoon. The school library is empty and peaceful - a sharp contrast to the mess it is during the examinations period. All around are small pockets of people doing whatever. This particular Sunday afternoon, I happen to belong to one such small pocket of people. My eyes have been pouring over websites and reports and documents, and at this moment, I'm really tired.

Really exciting Word Doc. There's another group doing some project. Glad to see there are other people on the same boat.

We're working on a feasibility study of sorts; we're examining the economic conditions and the prospects of a certain industry in three different South-East Asian countries. It's one of those university initiatives where you're paired up with an SME and you're supposed to help them with a project for a period of 12 weeks. The work is flexible, but tiring. Interesting, but not particularly so. I've learned more than I've ever wanted to about the procedures of starting a business in Thailand. I've also developed a new appreciation for the efficiency of our ministries websites - the Thai ones are a pain in the ass to navigate.

Conducting a study such as this one is something that I never really envisioned myself doing, ever. I guess it's a learning experience though. I like working with new people, and being paired up with industry professionals have been eye-opening so far. The guy we're working with is bloody young, but he owns and manages his own company. I want to be like that when I get to his age, only not in a dry industry - somewhere exciting and dynamic, hopefully.

So yeah, that's about it for today. I'll be spending what's left of the day doing up my report, and then whatever time's left working on another thing for another project. There's also a bunch of stuff left hanging which I should really get around to crossing off my to-do list. I wanted to be more free this holidays - last week, I was quite free, but that's only because I've been pushing back a lot of stuff. Now, it's all come back to haunt me with a vengeance.

Yesterday, I went to my CCA's retreat in the evening and I stayed over too (which is why I only started my day at 1 in the afternoon). The chalet was at Aloha Changi, which is the most damn ulu chalet in Singapore. I'm pretty sure people have orgies in those chalets, and satanic rituals, and stuff. I took a cab in, but the cab driver dropped me at the wrong place; I was in the correct general area though. I asked a security guard I saw for directions, and he gave me vague ones.

I attempted to follow his directions, but I got lost anyway. I was walking around, and then this car drove up beside me - it was the security guard from earlier! He was patrolling, and he asked me to just hop on and he'll drive me to where I wanted to go. He knew his way around, so I hopped on board. He started speaking to me in Malay, complaining about how other people complain (ironic, no?) about unruly chalet-stayers. Using what little knowledge of Malay I had, I carried on the conversation. I reached the chalet in one piece, safely, but I wondered for a bit whether he would still have helped me had he known that I was not Malay. He probably would have because he's nice, but it's interesting to think about, no?

Chalet in the morning, everybody else is sleeping.

Anyway, I'll be running tonight (too round off my exciting Sunday), because I've eaten way too much. I would get into better shape if I only control my eating - I certainly do exercise enough. Must be more disciplined. Happy Sunday!