I asked myself who I really was and why I was alive in the first place and of course I had no clue. I searched within the grooves of my soul, and it wasn’t there. Inside the wrinkles of my brain, and the depths of my eyes as I stared at the mirror. There was nothing, and I felt empty inside. My heart beat makes a hollow sound against my chest. It is loud and I am reminded about how empty things make the most noise sometimes.
Standing in front of the lake, I tried to make a rock skip. It hit the water and sank to the bottom instead. It went straight down, and it made no bubbles, only ripples. In a sense, I was like that rock. They’re asking me to bounce on the water, but rocks aren’t made to do that, and even when they do, they still sink eventually. At the bottom of the lake is an abundance of rocks, and other things which are slave to gravity.
Sinking isn’t so bad, I think to myself as I stand in front of the lake. The world beneath the surface of water called out to me like a dying soldier. My reflection on the water looked up at me, and I marvelled at how much more perfect it looked as compared to me. The reflection had no past, no regrets, no pain
.
I took of my shirt and then my pants until only my boxers covered my modesty. With great care, I folded my clothes and laid them aside. These were futile and pointless actions, because I was going to drown myself. But what about everything else that I have done up to this point? Were they futile and pointless too? Probably. It was like laying down bricks of gold on a path which leads nowhere. The cold air gave me goose bumps. I looked around to make sure that I was alone.
Indeed, I was. It took me two hours to get to this lake. It was a walk, and then a bus ride, and then a long struggle through the jungle. The jungle I went through was dark and strangely devoid of life. The branches and shrubs scratched at me as if they were trying to stop me from going further. I ignored them. After a while, my phone lost it’s signal. I ignored the missed calls and unread messages, and I dropped it in the jungle, where it will stay for a really long time. The phone, unlike leaves and fallen trees, would not be accepted by the soil.
Emerging through the forest, I felt born again, and I had to chuckle at the irony of it all.
The sun, the rocks, the clouds, the trees all bore witness to my ultimate act. Here I go. I thought back to my life and I could think of nothing worth noting. My teeth started to chatter as hints of the evening started to show, and the sun started to set. The sun’s glow made everything look wonderful, even me. I stared at my hands, and I moved my fingers, clenched and unclenched my fist. I looked at the intricate lines and how they danced with my every movement.
Then I remember that these hands have nothing to hold on to.
I jumped into the water finally. I couldn’t tell whether I was falling into the water like the rock, or whether the water was rushing up at me, like an open-mouthed predator. The water rose over my head, and I was underwater. I stayed still in the water, unmoving. The water was peaceful, and it gave me a strange sense of warmth that encompassed my whole being. My body was moved by it’s flow.
I opened my closed eyes and I saw a deep blue nothing. It was frightening; my mind and my being couldn’t comprehend the concept of nothingness, and something within me snapped like a twig. I tried to take in a breath, instinctively, but underwater, there is no such thing as air. Water rushed into my lungs like thieves in the night. My arms and feet started flailing uncontrollably. My hands made to grab on to something, anything. But I had already made the jump into this other world.
Looking up at the sky, through the water, I could see the setting sun. Everything in this planet grows because of the sun’s presence, I thought. I began kicking upwards, and I reached for it with my left hand then my right, and slowly but surely, I inched towards the sun, and everything else that waited for me above the surface of the water.
I thought back to my friends, my family, my love, and everything that awaited me in the future, that I risked losing by dying there. My head broke through the surface and I inhaled the early evening air. I treaded in the water for a moment, and I embedded into my mind the sensation of falling into nothingness. And I thought about how this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t know what it was just yet, but I know that it didn’t wait for me underneath the water.
In the sky, a plane flew by. It seemed to crawl along, like a snail. Maybe people were looking down upon this lake, and even though from such high altitudes, I might appear to be only a speck, I am still there nonetheless. I let out a primal scream, and from the trees, a flock of birds took flight, and I felt alive once again.
I swam towards the shore. My clothes, which I had so neatly folded, were waiting for me.
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